


To Find Yourself

by Memorium_Oracle



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Victorian, Angst, Bottom Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Death, Depression, Despair, F/F, F/M, Family Loss, French Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Levi/Eren Yeager-centric, Loss, M/M, Memory Loss, POV Eren Yeager, Self-Harm, Shingeki no Kyojin: Kuinaki Sentaku | Attack on Titan: No Regrets, Suicide Attempt, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-12
Updated: 2014-11-13
Packaged: 2018-02-08 14:21:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1944453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Memorium_Oracle/pseuds/Memorium_Oracle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the slums of Victorian Britain, there lies a famous band of thieves. After the death of their parents, Eren Yeager and Mikasa Ackerman find themselves at the feet of the thieves leader, Levi. In a surprising turn of events, by joining these vagrants, Eren and Mikasa are able to find out secrets of survival.... and a dark conspiracy going on behind the scenes. The Aristocrats, an elite band of soldiers bent on wiping out the thieves once and for all, are promising answers for anyone who has any idea as to where they thieves are hiding. Will Eren be able to resist finding out the truth of the death of his parents? Or will he find himself following in their footsteps?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Testing Patience

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work for Attack on Titan, and I hope that this story become a success. A/U's for me are rather difficult, so for now, I chose to keep the time close to their own. Yes, this really is an Ereri/Riren based story. The relationship though, may be more prominent in some parts than others. That being said, the plot is slightly more important to me than the relationship, so it may develop sooner and it may develop later. I hope you enjoy reading To Find Yourself!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you spot any mistakes in spelling, grammar, or tense! I hate editing while half asleep...
> 
> Feel free to follow me on tumblr at Attack_on_Ereri!

Everything is moving in slow motion. All noise sounds muffled, as if I'm underwater. I've been frozen in time. Nothing seems real. I can't comprehend what's even happening. My parents, dead. I turn to Mikasa. She's in the exact same catatonic state that I'm in. Neither of us know what to do except to let it sink in. The police gently grab both of our shoulders and guide us out into the cobblestoned street. That's it. I finally snap out of my trance, grab Mikasa by the hand and start running, thankfully, snapping her out of that glazed state as well. I look back at her and see that she isn't behind me any more. She's now running beside me. The look in her eyes indicates that she didn't want the government's help either. We both know that our government's corrupt. It's being run by greedy slobs who would probably just put us in an even worse predicament than before.

 

"Eren!" She yells to me. "Where are we going?"

 

"To Armin's house." I say, knowing that's where my feet are carrying me. "He needs out of that horrid foster home just as badly as we need to find some way to survive."

 

I don't get a response. We run in silence until we reached Armin's place. Rapidly knocking on the door, we try to catch out breath. Luckily, it was Armin who opens the door for us. "What's going on guys? Why are you panting? Come on in, have some water."

 

"No, we need to go." I tell him bluntly. "We don't have a place to stay any more, and this house treats you like crap. You need a safe place as much as we do right now."

 

"What do you mean, Eren?" He asks, stepping outside and closing the door behind him. "Why- never mind. You can explain once we find somewhere to safe to talk. Let's go."

 

Armin then grabs my hand and tugs Mikasa and I away. Letting go of each other's hands, we sprint side-by-side until we reach a back alleyway. All three of us cut behind a rubbish bin and collapse against the wall. I look around and notice something that makes my blood turn to ice. We are in the slums. The part of town not even the bravest police venture into; and for good reason too. The slums are inhabited by a band of vagrants who call themselves the Titans. They're ruthless and would kill if it meant money or food. In short, we're in the best place at the worst time. They are masters of survival, and that's what we need. But after a murder, they would be on edge and more deadly than ever with dusk creeping up on London. Plus, we don't have a single thing that would even mildly interest them. Yup, we are utterly screwed right now.

 

"So, what did you mean when you said that you didn't have a place to stay any more?" Armin asks, sitting up a bit. "What the hell happened?"

 

"Keep your voice down Armin, we're in the slums." I say, and he covers his mouth with his hands, looking scared. "But I'll explain." Armin edges closer, making sure to keep hidden behind the rubbish bin. "We came home from doing our afternoon errands to find my parents dead. Worse, they were murdered. The police were everywhere within minutes. I swear, how they found out about it that fast is inhuman. When they tried to lead us outside, I grabbed Mikasa and ran to your place. That's the story up 'till now. You know as much as we do."

 

"This is bad. This is really, really bad." Armin says, his face a mask of horror. "We're in the slums, right after a murder. They're bound to be on edge, especially with dusk on it's way. We're as good as dead right now."

 

"Not necessarily." Mikasa pipes up. I had nearly forgotten that she was there. "If we manage to gain their trust, even if that means getting captured, we might be able to join them. It's a way to be able to survive."

 

"You're crazy Mikasa." I say. "They'd kill us before they'd let us join them. Unless we prove valuable, we really are as good as dead."

 

"Smart one ain't'cha?" A voice says from up above us. "You an' that 'lil blond one 'ave got the righ' idea. We ain't gonna kill ya righ' away though. We gotta bring you to see Levi. He'll tell us to either kill ya or sell ya. I dun really care much either way. You's useless t'me."

 

"Isabel, shut up and knock them out." Another one!? "Quick, before Levi has your hide."

 

"Fine, fine." The girl, Isabel says. "This may 'urt a bit..."

 

That is the last thing I hear before the world goes black.

 

* * *

 

I wake up to the feeling like someone hit me with a lead pipe. Which, upon remembering what had happened, may actually be a possibility. I try to reach up and rub my eyes, only to find that my hands have been tied up. Also, I'm wearing a blindfold and the idiot who had tied me up made it so loose that I only have to shake my head for it to fall off my face and onto the ground. Suddenly the slight voices that I only just noticed, fall silent.

 

"He's awake." Someone says. From what I could tell, it sounded like the second voice that I had heard before I got knocked out. "Go get the Corporal." Male. The person speaking was definitely male. And, who's the Corporal?

 

"Well then. I di'in't expect 'im to wake up so soon. I did 'it 'im pretty 'ard." There was the first one from before! She must have been born here. She's got the lazy English of most of the slum-born, as the people at school had called them.

 

I try to untie my hands, finding that the knot was tighter than the blindfold was, and that I'm tied to a metal pole. Great. This is just perfect. Suddenly I remember that Armin and Mikasa had been with me when those two had found us. Shit, where the hell were they!? I start to struggle against the ropes binding my hands and, apparently, my feet as well. So I was completely restrained and alone with no idea where my sister and best friend might be. I hear the door open and all the bustling noise stops. There was something odd about the presence that just entered the room, but I don't care. I want to find Armin and Mikasa and I won't give up this struggle until I do. Or I was dead, but I would like to keep that thought out of my head. I hear the footsteps click slowly towards me, but I refuse to stop moving. Suddenly, I feel the sharp pain of being kicked in the face by a wooden-heeled boot. Ouch!?

 

"Do you mind!?" I yell at the person who kicked me. "I kind of need my jaw if I want to be able to talk!"

 

"Shut up, shitty brat."

 

Crap. The authority in that voice was unmistakable. This was the Corporal. The guy they called their leader. I couldn't just give up though.

 

"Why the hell should I!? You knock me, my sister, and my friend out, capture us, _separate us_ , kick me in the face for Christ sake! And then expect me to just do as you say?! You've got to be fucking crazy if you think that I would obey your orders!" I yell, knowing that I was retardedly close to crossing an invisible line. "If you'd just untie me, I could go find my friends and get out of your face."

 

Silence. Oh god, not silence. This was bad. It just got worse. Like, I'm probably dead, worse.

 

"Untie his feet." The Corporal says, my feet being untied the moment he says so. I stand up. "What's your name?" He demands.

 

"Your's first." I say, looking down at him. Wait, what? Down? How tall is this guy!? 5'3?! Damn he's short. "I only know you as the Corporal."

 

"You're not in a position to be cocky, brat."

 

"You don't think I've realized that?" A sword is suddenly up against my throat. "Fine, it's Eren."

 

"Last name?"

 

"Jeager."

 

Another silence. Why is this all so awkward for me? And why am I not scared shitless right now?

 

"Your turn." I say, my cockiness returning in a flash. "Your name now."

 

"A deal is a deal." He mutters. "Levi. And that's all I'm telling you. Now, I have something else to ask you, and don't get cocky while answering."

 

"What is it then?" 

 

"Why are you here?" Levi's voice was suddenly a dangerous rumble.

 

"Me, my sister, and my friend need your help." I say simply. "I'm telling you the full, honest truth."

 

What is with this guy and his like for silences? That's three in less than five minutes.

 

"That's not the full truth. The full truth would be explaining why you need our help. And if I don't like the answer I get, you're all dead. Unless you pass the tests. You each will chose one anyway." Levi purrs. He's starting to freak me out a bit. Of course, I speak without thinking again.

 

"I'll explain, but I have to say one thing first."

 

"And what is that?" He spits.

 

"How tall are you?"

 

Pain is all I feel. I curl in on myself. He kicked me in the crotch. Then, as if that's not enough, he grabs my hair and yanks my face up so it's level with his. "Five foot three. Exact. Now, explain."

 

How the hell did I guess that right!? "If you let go I will." There's a noticeable venom in him as he releases my hair. "My parents were murdered. My sister and I have nowhere to go and we have great fighting skills, when we're not tied up at least. My friend is abused in his foster home and he's a freaking genius. Is that enough of a baseline for you?"

 

"Very much so." Levi smirks. "Furlan, untie him. I want him to fight me."

 

"What!?" The guy who helped knock us out answers. Huh, so his name is Furlan. Weird. "The kid won't stand a chance against you Corporal!"

 

"If he's as good as he implies, then he might. Untie him." 

 

I feel the rope on my hands come undone and I shake my wrists out. I suddenly feel unease and my hand flies out, blocking a strong kick to my face from Levi just in time. I stare right into his steely silver eyes and my other hand flies towards his stomach, nearly making it but being blocked at the last second. A smirk appears on Levi's face and I jump back right before his hand tightens on my fist. We exchange a few blows, all of which were blocked, and I decide to stop messing around. I aim a roundhouse kick at Levi's shoulder, my blow being the first to strike home. Jumping back again, I see that Levi's face is a mask of shock. He's holding his most likely dislocated shoulder and his eyes are huge. Slumped over, he really looks fragile, but I know better after fighting him. He straightens up and fixes his face into a sort of half smirk and half sneer.

 

"Good job." He says, releasing his shoulder and rolling it back into place. "You passed your test. All three of you made it in."

 

Confusion washes over me. "Wait, what?"

 

"That entire thing was a test to see if you were useful for us. You proved Furlan wrong. Welcome to the Titans."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CLIFFHANGER! I love writing them (All authors do in order for a good start to the next chapter) but hate reading them (EVERYONE does I believe). In continuation of the top note, I would love for a good a good selection of music to go with this story, so go ahead and suggest songs! I only hate singers like Celine Dion. Other than that, I'll listen to anything and put anything into a To Find Yourself playlist!


	2. Reoccurring Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick updates for now! Once again: Feel free to suggest songs for the playlist, or to follow me on tumblr at Attack_on_Ereri!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING! PANIC ATTACKS!
> 
> Yay! Levi POV for part of it! Lot's of Ereri as well... ehehe~!
> 
> Wow... The previous chapter got two kudos in less than an hour... That made my pride swell so much it may have been unhealthy. Thank you for the attention on here! I'm surprised that the kudos even happened. I'm a brand new member and that just made me feel so loved!
> 
> Enjoy!

The words Levi said sink in. "No way! Are you serious!?" I yell, taking a step away from him. "Where are Mikasa and Armin? Are they alright!?"

 

Levi sighs exasperatedly. "They're fine. Hanji went ahead and assigned them rooms upon my orders. If the girl had any minor injuries, it didn't show. Her roundhouse kick did the same thing to my opposite shoulder. I take it she taught you that?" I just glare at him. "Fine. The boy didn't have a physical test. I could tell that he was physically weak the moment I saw him. He had a mental test. I put the pressure on him but he passed with flying colors. Now, follow me. I'll show you your room. Keep it clean, mind you."

 

"Are you kidding me!?" I yell. "I am not following you."

 

I barely have time to register that he had turned before he grabs the back of my neck and pulls my face uncomfortably close to his own. "Listen here, shitty brat-"

 

"Not a brat." I retort, getting a sharp tug at my hair.

 

"-If you want to live through the next hour, you better do exactly what I say. You'll be supplied with clothes. They're our uniform." He gestures to his own spotless outfit. "There's a tight schedule, and if you have any intention of trying to break that schedule, you're gonna find yourself six feet under in no time at all. You get the first day off, that's today, and the second day is more lenient than the rest so you can learn the schedule. You and your friends are going to be under the watch of Hanji and I for the next week or so. By the end of the week, I expect you to have made a few accomplices that may be able to guide you from there. Now, don't make me repeat myself again, follow me."

 

He releases my neck and turns on his heel in a way I can only describe as sassy. With a slight gulp, I follow him hesitantly. Levi leads me through many twisting hallways, all of which look the same to me. We pass hundreds of rooms only to stop at one that looks exactly like all the others. 

 

"How the hell am I supposed to find this again when all the hallways and rooms look exactly the same?" I ask, deadpanning. "I'm being serious. This is a retardedly confusing place."

 

Opening the door, Levi shoots me a look that makes me want to crawl under a rock and die. "You have to be shitting me." He says. "These are the senior soldiers halls. Why in the seven hells would you be here?" I feel the heat rising to my cheeks. "And this," He waves his hand to indicate the room. "Is my personal room. Wait here, I'll be right back." He walks into the room and closes the door without waiting for a response.

 

"Corporal!" Someone yells. "Corporal! There's a problem!"

 

A girl with purplish-red hair and glasses runs up to Levi's door, panting like she just ran a marathon. "LEVI!" She yells.

 

"What do you want, shitty-glasses?" Levi's muffled voice says from behind the door. "It better be good."

 

"It's bad." She says bluntly. "We're out of room in the trainee barracks. There is absolutely no more room. I take it the boy standing out here, red-faced, is the trainee who still needs a bed. I'm Hanji, Levi's second in command. Nice to meet you." The girl I now know as Hanji holds her hand out to for me to shake. I accept it warily.

 

The door to Levi's room flies open. "You have to be kidding me. You very well know that every other barrack is full to the brim as well. All the rooms under our watch are full."

 

"I'm not kidding. I certainly wish I was though."

 

Levi slams his head against the door frame, none too gently I may add, and mutters under his breath in another language. I can only assume that he's swearing. "Where the hell is this one going to stay then!?"

 

"Well...." Suddenly Hanji's glasses fog up, making Levi take a step back and his eyes widen. I have to admit that she certainly does look a bit insane. "I was thinking that he could stay with you."

 

I choke. Hanji and Levi both look over to me. "Are you kidding me...?" I say, completely appalled. "I don't even know the guy!"

 

Levi sighs resignedly. "I don't like this idea either, but we don't have much of a choice do we? Hanji, how soon 'till Ymir graduates to full soldier?"

 

"About a month, maybe more if she doesn't stop fawning over Christa."

 

"Fuck."

 

I just stand there, my stomach dropping. I have to share a room with this guy for an entire month? This is going to be a living hell. Looking over at him, I notice for the first time that Levi's shirtless. I can't help but stare in awe. For someone so small, it was obvious that he was strong just by looking at him like this. He's solid muscle. His arms were thin, but that just makes the strength more pronounced. Every single dip and curve stands out, making me wonder how he got that fit. His thin neck is made purely of lean muscle. That's why I'm staring. It's not bulky muscle, it's lean, beautiful muscle. Deeply entranced by his body, I don't even notice Levi calling out to me.

 

"Oi, brat. Jeager."

 

"What! Oh, sorry. I spaced out." I say, knowing that I was beet red at being caught staring.

 

"You were staring at me. It was creepy." He says, furrowing his thin eyebrows. "I may have to rethink that decision to let you stay with me until we can let Ymir graduate."

 

"Really!?" I yelp. "You're letting me stay with you?!"

 

"There's no need to sound so appalled with the idea. It's only for a short bit." Levi growled.

 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to sound appalled. I'm actually grateful."

 

"You better be you damn brat." Levi sighs. "Hanji, go take care of the other new trainees. This idiot still hasn't seen where he'll been staying for a little while. Come on." Levi grabs the collar of my shirt and drags me into his room, closing the door behind us. "This is where you'll be staying for a short while. I hate to say it, it completely disgusts me, and much as it may disturb you, I only have one bed in here, so we have to share. Though if you piss me off, you're on the floor. And you better not make any sort of mess, or so help me god, I will make you sleep outside. And by that I mean out in the slums. Not in the building."

 

I look around the room and find it hard to believe what I'm seeing. Dark crimson walls greet a four-poster bed with deep brown pillows and pure white blankets and sheets. The curtains that hang around the mattress are slightly brighter than the walls. The bed was centered on the wall with mahogany bedside tables on either side of it, fragile oil lamps sit on them. On the opposite side of the room, a large vanity with an even larger mirror faced the bed. In the center of the ceiling a large oil chandelier hung gracefully over the thick Persian rug that covered the middle of the room, obscuring a large part of the deep cherry wood flooring. In all, I would have to say that the room looked almost like a black-forest cake with it's elegant colour scheme. Levi walks over to the vanity and procures a set of pajamas.

 

"Here." He says, tossing them to me. Light blue silk. Holy shit, is he an aristocrat or something!? "They're a bit big on me so they might fit you." When I just stand there, doing nothing, he sighs and rolls his eyes. "Get changed. It's lights out for the building."

 

I jump and turn red. Levi finishes stripping, quite shamelessly in fact, and gets into his pajamas before I even have my shirt off. When I finally get changed, I hold my clothes in my arms, wondering what to do with them. "Just lay them in the basket." Levi says, seeing my confusion. "It's laundry day tomorrow anyway." I place my clothes into the basket and climb awkwardly into bed beside Levi. The room is spotless. The bed had been freshly made before he climbed in, so I can see where his feet are. Just over halfway down the bed, curled up slightly. For some odd reason, I find that incredibly cute and can't help but smile a bit.

 

"Oi, why do you have that stupid grin on your face?" Levi asks, looking over his shoulder at me. His head is barely on the pillow, while I'm almost sitting up. My feet are still farther down the bed than his are, even though it's just barely. "Seriously, that's really creepy. Stop it."

 

"Sorry." I chuckle. "It's just that I find it hard to believe that you sleep in this huge bed by yourself when you're so small."

 

I see a slight blush appear on his cheeks before turns his head back and pulls the blanket up to his face. "Shut up and got to sleep."

 

I easily pass out with the picture of his blush still in my mind...

 

* * *

 

 

_Levi POV_

 

I hear Eren's breathing slow and know that he's fallen asleep. How is it hard to believe that I sleep here by myself? I mean, yeah, I'm small. And yeah, it definitely is a huge freaking bed, but lots of people have beds this size, though it's usually only nobility or the Aristocrats. With these thoughts on my mind, I drift into an uneasy sleep.

 

And I dream.

 

_I'm standing at the door to a huge manor. It's door is slightly ajar, and the place where these people hid the spare key is messy, meaning the key was taken from it's hiding spot. That's odd. At this time of the day, the residents should be having afternoon tea. There's no need for someone to take the key and unlock the door. They could have just knocked. No wait, the man of the house was at work this late into the day. It's only the woman who is home. I walk up to the door and open it a bit more. The entry hall is a mess. Coats and their racks are strewn all over the floor; and expensive shoes with the heels ripped off litter the mats. I don't even notice the person who was standing behind me, until he slams the door shut and locks it. I spin around, my foot extended in a roundhouse kick. I stop mid-swing. The man standing here has the same hair as me. Raven colored with the back shaved to the base of his skull. That's the only real resemblance. His eyes are gold instead of steel. I know this man. The man standing before me holds a woman by her white-blond hair. Her steely eyes are wide and fearful. I look much more like the woman here than the man holding her. We have the same long, thin jawline and steely silver eyes. My skin is the same pasty - no not pasty, it's only pasty on me - pale tincture. I know this woman as well. I look back at the man and notice he has a knife in his hand. He lowers the knife to her throat and quickly drags it across in a flash of silver and scarlet. He then drops the knife along with the woman and lunges at me with his bare hands, grabbing my throat. I find it hard to breathe. He starts to squeeze tighter. I try to scream, but my trachea is being constricted. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I'm dying. But I don't want to die. I can't die. I can't die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to-!_

 

I wake up in a cold sweat. Disgusting. Why that's the first thing that comes to my mind, I have no idea. I realize that I'm shaking and panting. What was that dream? I can't get over the fact that it doesn't feel like a dream. Who were those people and why did I feel so emotionally attached to them? I begin to shake more and hyperventilate. Rolling over to face Eren, my arms wrap around his waist and I bury my face into his chest. I keep shaking and squeeze Eren tighter. He moves in my arms and I loosen my grip a bit in fear that I'll wake him up. I tilt my head up slightly to look at his face and suddenly smell something strangely familiar. I put my mouth and nose against his collarbone and breathe in. Faint. I slowly take in the scent and move my nose up a bit more. Strong. The base of his neck smells like chocolate cookies. That's actually kinda weird. He smells good though. It's his scent that lulls me off to a dreamless sleep for the first time in a long while.

 

* * *

 

 

_Eren POV_

 

The moment the first rays of sunlight enter the room, and I wake up. I try to stretch but find it hard to move. 

 

 _When the hell did this happen!_ Is the first thought that comes into my head when I see Levi holding onto me, fast asleep. He looks so comfortable like that, but he's creeping me out just a bit.

 

"Levi...?" I say nervously. "I-It's morning. You gotta let go of me."

 

He just makes this adorable noise and buries himself deeper in my chest. Damn him for being this cute. Suddenly the door slams open and he jumps awake, stringing a bunch of curse words together.

 

"Levi!" Hanji yells "Wake up! It's morning!"

 

"Screw you Hanji." Levi says, an abnormal amount of toxins in his voice, but that may just be from being startled awake. "I just had my first peaceful sleep in I don't know how long."

 

"Oh..." Hanji says, looking taken aback. "I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to..." She trails off. "Anyway. Um, take your time. And next time, I won't interrupt your sleep unless otherwise told so."

 

"Get out." Levi snaps, his face in one of his hands while the other props him into a sitting position. "Now." Hanji nods and backs out of the room, closing the door quietly behind her.

 

How long had it been since Levi had slept normally? And why did he seem so... Confused? This is something I'm going to ask Hanji later.

 


	3. Still A Mystery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! Thank all of you for the Kudos and Comments. I really cannot say how much I appreciate them. About why I was off for so long; I was on the other side of the country while I started writing this and that was a few months ago. My laptop recently crashed so I wasn't able to update the story and all of what I had written was lost. I finally got it fixed and now I can write again. I sincerely apologize for making you all wait this long for this new chapter. (Oh I also tried to upload the chapter via my phone, but as you have all seen, that had less than no luck.)
> 
> I now have two Tumblr accounts just to let you all know. The second one is for another story I'm writing called "Alex's Wonderland" that is a Alice in Wonderland spin-off. The chapters for that are uploaded on DeviantART (My account is SangoMirokuShipper) and if you want to check out that Tumblr account (Its also for Night Blogging) The URL is Levi-Fetish.
> 
> Now I hope you enjoy this extra-long, extra-late (SORRY!) chapter! (Also, more Levi POV!)

_Levi's POV_

 

I hate treating the few people that I know I can trust like that, but in all honesty I have to. I don't want to worry them. Especially when I'm like this. I turn to see the new trainee who screwed me up like this still sitting there in the bed. Heh, he's so clueless about this. It's almost funny how lost he looks right now. He looks at me and tenses up. Crap, I must have been glaring again. I can't understand him. I look at him dead in the eyes from over my shoulder and say simply "Why? What the hell does this mean?" to myself. Damn it, what is it about this shitty brat that can mess my brain up this badly. There's suddenly a soft, hesitant knock at the door. I do my best to blank out all my expression.

 

"What do you want?" I ask "The door's open."

 

Hanji pokes her head in the doorway. "I was just wondering if you're ready." She says, fully entering the room after noticing that I wasn't about to shoot her head off. "And he's still in bed. Are you feeling okay?"

 

"You were legitimately in here about ten seconds ago, how the hell would I be ready?" I mutter, giving up with this woman for what is probably the hundredth time.

 

I take another look over at the trainee Eren. He looks even more confused than earlier. I really feel bad for doing that to the kid, but hey, I don't really mean to, and if I did, it would be because I had no choice. I give him another glare and he jumps out of his trance, getting out of bed. He starts to take his shirt off to get dressed, but then stops. Oh that's right. I forgot to give him a uniform for today. I sigh, knowing that the poor kid just lost everything he's ever known and now he's stuck with us, the vagrants and criminals who had no other way to survive than to band together in the slums of this rich city. He still has his whole life ahead of him, he could go to school, get an education and go to university, become a doctor and play by the governments hypocritical rules and laws. He seems too street-smart to do that though. He knows very well that the government is corrupt in every sort of way, and he knows his options. It was a choice of dying a slow death by the hands of the politicians and that lot, die a quick death by us, or live in good enough conditions with us. He took his chances and came here. He and his adopted sister, it's obvious seeing as they look nothing alike, will make good soldiers, where as the little blond one could be good in the tact areas. He knew that the chances of living were higher than dying, if they used their skills right, and made a good choice. Though that changes nothing of his mental state as of the moment. The kid is shaken up pretty badly after seeing his parents, dead on the floor. Like that woman in my dream... I shake my head to clear that though from it. I really can't afford to be thinking about her at the moment. I need to find this kid a uniform that'll fit him and begin training him properly.

 

"You still need a uniform don't you kid?" I ask, walking towards the laundry basket that has his clothes from yesterday in it as well as my own spare uniform. I wrinkle my nose at the thought of picking up dirty clothes that someone else has worn. "Put on your outfit from yesterday for now. You'll need to get fitted properly. We always have spare uniforms that are clean on hand at all times because we never know when someone new will show up. For example." I say, waving my hand at him. "Now hurry up. we don't have all day."

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

_Eren's POV_

 

Levi makes me get dressed and we then go to the fitting room. Levi watches me get fitted all the while having a smirk plastered on his face. When they finally find a pair of pants that are long enough to fit my leg length, I'm surprised that they ask me how old I am. I guess I'm pretty tall for only being fifteen. My full uniform includes of a rather confusing, and large, set of buckled leather straps. They crisscross my chest and connect to a thin but durable metal plate on my back. They then cross my sides and hips to attach to a belt that's hidden underneath a brown sort of sash. On my legs there are two sets of simple circular belts that are connected to the straps that are attached to the belt. Those two straps that connect to the belts then go down the sides of my calf and hook around the balls of my feet, going back up on the inside of my legs to connect to the circular belts on my thighs. The rest of the uniform is a simple, brown leather half-length jacket, a pair of white cotton pants, and a pair of knee-height brown boots. I don't find too bad of an outfit actually. I can keep wearing my favorite shirt, seeing as there's no dress shirt requirement, at least for the trainees. And to be honest, it's not really uncomfortable, except for when the straps slip. Then it kinda gets awkward. After I have everything where it's supposed to be, Levi leads me to the dining hall. It isn't really anything too amazing. It's just a large room, that I guess must have been used as a meeting room or a cafeteria, like it's being used as now, before it became part of the slums, with close to a hundred long wooden tables with benches on either side of them. There's a line up through a door opposite of us that I can only guess is where the kitchen is. Levi walks right up to the front of the line, motioning for me to follow him. I guess if you've got a high rank then you eat when you want to, always allowed to go to the front of the line. I expect for everyone to be sneering at me for being allowed to follow him, but surprisingly, nobody does. In fact, they're all moving out of my way to let me get to the food. Looking around at the people that are in line still, I notice that they're all closer to my height, just a bit taller. And, judging by their facial features, they're all in their mid-twenties to late-thirties. These are the generally ranked soldiers of sorts, I guess.

 

"Trainees eat first." Levi explains, handing me a plate of food. "Then the rest. Hanji and I eat whenever the hell I want, because we never get down here at the same time. Sometimes we eat at the same time as the trainees, sometimes we don't get down here until everyone else has already finished. There really isn't too strict of a schedule when it comes to being at the average rank, but seeing as how you're still in training, you have a tougher time. Though you also have a looser amount of an error margin. Meaning if you show up a bit late to anything, you'll probably be excused seeing as how you're still getting used to this place, and training takes place in just about everywhere that's not the barracks or dining hall."

 

Levi then grabs his own food and leads me to the eating area. I look around and see Mikasa and Armin sitting with what I can only presume are the other trainees, and Hanji. I start to walk over to them and am surprised that Levi is following me. I thought that he would go and eat with people that are closer to his own rank. Hanji sees us and waves. I think that we made the right choice when it came to choosing these guys over the government. I have a feeling that we're going to like it here. The people aren't as bad as they were always made out to be by the people in society. They're actually much nicer than the most of the people I've met, but I guess that's because they have to stick together in this world. For them it's kill or be killed, and really, I can understand how they only trust each other. In fact, I honestly think that these people, the Titans, are the most trustworthy people I've met as well. So as long as you don't betray them, you can have safety. An arm for an arm; a leg for a leg. It makes sense here.

 

"Armin, Mikasa!" I call out as I reach them. "Are you guys alright? I heard you dislocated, um..."

 

"Most people around here call me either lance-corporal or Levi." Levi says simply, sitting down across from Hanji. "I don't mind either."

 

"Alright then." I say nodding, at the same time beaming from ear to ear. "I heard you dislocated one of Levi's shoulders with a roundhouse kick."

 

Mikasa looks up at me, seeing as how I haven't sat down yet, and smirks. "Yup. Hanji here had to do a quick patch up job."

 

Levi huffs. "Sit down." he says, clearly addressing me. "Yes, she did do a quick fix up, but it wasn't too badly dislocated so it wasn't too hard. And your brother did the same thing to my other shoulder, just to let you know. I take it he learned it from you."

 

Mikasa nods slightly, taking a bite of her toast. She doesn't seem at all surprised by the news. Probably because it's actually something that I've done before, where as she didn't like to use violence. It takes me a moment to realize it, but I see that even the girls are wearing long pants around here instead of skirts. I guess that skirts and dresses would very much get in the way if you got into a fight, where as pants give you a little more mobility.

 

"I'm taking that that's not very uncommon for him to do that to people?" Levi asks "I thought that it would get at least a little bit more reaction seeing as how I was honorably discharged from the British military a couple years ago after sustaining what they described as irreparable damage to my liver after a night of heavy drinking with the other lance-corporals."

 

That got a reaction. Armin and I stand up in unison, slamming our hands down on the table, upsetting the plates and cups. "So that's why they call you a lance-corporal here! It's because that was your military rank when you were discharged!" Armin says, while I just kinda stand there stupidly, trying to figure out why I stood up that suddenly. I'm not really surprised to be honest. I sit back down and finish eating in silence while the others discuss the training and routine. I only listen to a degree, I'm having a hard time focusing for some reason. I'm not even getting lost in my own thoughts, I'm just kind of spacing out. I hear Levi say my name a few times, but don't answer. That is, until he hits the top of my head.

 

"Oh, sorry. I spaced out." I say, feeling the heat rush up to my face.

 

"Spacing out like that is a sure way to get yourself killed around here." He says, picking up the butter knife that hadn't been used. He twirls it around his fingers a few times and then holds it in the palm of his hand, tossing it in the air a bit. Not too high, just making it jump a tiny bit. In the blink of an eye, Levi was behind me grabbing my hair to pull my head back, exposing my neck and putting the edge of the knife to my trachea. I let out an audible gulp.

 

"If I were any sort of enemy, anyone who wanted you dead, I would have already dragged this across your throat," he whispers into my ear, only just loud enough for me to be able to hear him. "and you would be long dead. And we wouldn't want that would we? Though you would be with your family."

 

That makes me snap. I barely move, just enough for it to seem like I was relaxing to keep eating, and he lowers the butter knife away from my throat. Then, before he even realizes what I'm doing, I grab the hand with the butter knife in it, twist myself around, use my foot to trip him, and then use my free arm to push his upper body down. He falls loudly, making everyone in the dining area look at the commotion. I let go of his wrist and stand looking down on him, triumphantly. Levi doesn't move for a moment, the entire hall doesn't actually, and then he smirks, closing his eyes.

 

"That was a good one, where'd you learn it?" He asks, using Hanji as a support to get up. "I want that to be put in the training regime, Hanji. Make sure you remember that for tomorrow."

 

Hanji nods as I stare at them, completely dumbstruck. What the hell just happened? Did my outright attack on the leader of the Titans just become part of our training regime? Hell, this group is really odd, I'm not one-hundred-percent sure if they're crazy or not at this point.

 

Levi holds his hand out to me. I look at it and then back at his face, completely lost. I take it that I'm supposed to shake it, so I do. He has a surprisingly strong grip for someone of his stature. Though, after seeing how muscular he was, and how much resistance there was when I tried to push him down, and succeeded, I remind myself, I really should not be surprised to feel how strong his grip was.

 

"I want you to train personally with me for the next little bit." He says simply, releasing my already numb hand. "You have real potential, though you're probably the stupidest, cockiest shit-headed brat that I have ever met in my entire life, and that's after meeting Jean Kirchstien when he came to see what kind of work his father did in the military a few years ago. God that kid was a brat, almost as bratty as you."

 

I stand there in complete and utter shock. Was I actually being asked by Levi, the lance-corporal of the Titans, to train personally with him? And if I am, why must this be my punishment for what I did?

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_Levi's POV_

 

I stand there in front of this kid that only a few hours ago, I thought useless and just a leech, and rub my bruised wrist. Damn, he's got a strong grip, good reflexes too. I can tell that feeding and clothing him is definitely not going to be a total waste after all. He and the two that he brought with him may not have bad blood like us, but they clearly don't have blue blood, and that makes me happy enough. If I had just dragged in a few lucky blue bloods, I would have to resign from my position, but it seems like I did make a good choice. This shitty brat, Eren Jeager, will make a damn good raider or brawler if he doesn't do well in my personal training, and if he does do well, and by that I mean even just barely passes, then he's going on the elite squad with his sister and Hanji. He looks completely lost for words. Yes, me training him personally is a gift, but it's also punishment for what he just did right now. And it's going to be a pretty hellish punishment if I do say so myself.

 

"So are you up to it?" I ask him, putting my hands on my hips, sticking one out a bit so that one of my knees are bent. "If so, then follow me. If not, then stay here. I have one more thing that may convince you to follow me."

 

I see his head tilt a bit in curiosity and smirk again. God, why do I smirk so much? "And what is that?" he asks.

 

I turn to the door and start walking. "If you do well in my training, and by that I mean just pass, then you've made it to he elite squad and are no longer a trainee. Now, isn't that a good deal?"

 

I hear hushed silence for a moment and then the sound of soft toed, hard heeled footsteps following me in a light run to catch up and then slowing to a walk beside me. "It certainly does." he answers.

 

"We have to go back to my-" I pause for a moment, wondering if I should say 'our' instead of 'my' room. I decide on the former. "-our room first to get a few things. I warn you though, this training will take a toll on both your body and your mind. If at any time you want to quit, I wont stop you. I can't have any soldiers, or potential soldiers, dying on me or becoming too ill to do any work."

 

I hear a small gulp escape from his throat in the silence of the empty halls. I hope I'm not scaring him too much, but this is the beginning of the training. I have to test how well he deals with both fear and stress. I can't mean a single thing that I say from here on out. I really hope that I don't scar the kid while in this stage of the training. That would be bad.

 

I suddenly stop. Here's where the test begins. I turn to face Eren and notice that he's spaced out again. "Oi, Eren." I say, snapping my fingers to get his attention. "Are you paying any attention? Do you even know if I've said anything after that?"

 

He shakes his head and blinks a few times. "No, I'm sorry, lance-cor-"

 

"Don't call me that." I say suddenly. "You can address me as that to others around here, but don't call me that directly to my face."

 

I turn back around and keep walking. I absolutely hate being called that. It dregs up bad memories of someone from my military days who used to call me that all the time, though everyone else called me Levi. I really want to forget about him, but for some reason or another I can't and it drives me absolutely insane. That blond rat-bastard is the reason I have trust issues. And the reason I drank enough to get a liver problem bad enough to get kicked out of the military. He also reminds me of the man in my dreams for some reason. I have no idea why, but they give off the same kind of air in my dreams and memories.

 

"Hey, just a second ago, when you were trying to get my attention, you called me by my name, Eren."

 

I just keep walking, a grunt being my only response. I don't have a clue why I said that, but I feel really weird. My head hurts, and I can hear my heart beating. What's going on? My vision starts to blur and I fall, catching myself against the wall, using it as a support. My stomach is turning, and I feel like I'm about to vomit. I'm dizzy as hell and I think I hear Eren calling my name and asking if I'm okay.

 

"Get...Hanji." are the last words I say before the world goes black around my vision.

 

...                                                 ...                                                ...                                                   ...

 

I don't know how long it's been since I've passed out, but I'm finally awake again. I'm laying in my bed in the darkness. Somebody changed me while I was asleep, probably Eren. I can't move my body, and my arms are hooked up to tubes and bags of medicine. I also have an oxygen mask on my mouth. I have no idea what happened to me, and honestly, I don't exactly want to know.

 

"He's awake..." I hear a soft, familiar voice say.

 

"Thank the gods." Another voice says. "I was so worried when Eren ran into the dinin' 'all, callin' for Hanji tha' I nearly ran a'ead to find 'im before 'er."

 

Hanji, Isabel, and probably Furlan, Eren and his two companions as well, judging but the amount of inaudible whispers there were as well. I smile a bit. All of them were worried, and I probably scared the living hell out of Eren.

 

"Oi," I manage to say, my voice only a whisper. Damn, that took a toll on me. "get the brat over here."

 

I manage to turn my head enough to see that he was the one sitting in the bedside chair. "I've been here the entire time." he whispers back to me.

 

"You can talk normally, I just can't talk louder than this right now. Whatever that was took a pretty big toll on my body, so I don't think we can do much training." I close my eyes again, and take a deep breath. "Sorry about that by the way. I didn't mean to scare the living hell out of you on your first day here." I open my eyes to look at him.

 

Eren smiles sadly at me and reaches for my hand, taking it in his own two and pressing his face to it. My eyes involuntarily widen at this action. I then realize that his face is wet and that his eyes had been glassy and red. He'd been crying about me. A small smile forces it's way to my face. "Hey," I whisper, opening my palm and letting him press it to his cheek. I wipe away a tear that had started to trail down his cheek. "Don't cry. I'm going to be fine. I really don't understand why you're the only one who's crying right now. Not even Furlan or Isabel are crying right now, and they've known me since the day I left the military. Why are you crying?"

 

"I'm crying because I thought that I'd never be able to figure out why you're such a mystery to me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was mainly from Levi's point of view because I wanted you all to see a bit more into his personality for this. I know the plot twist was pretty big, but I think that I like the outcome. Ereri is starting to be a bit more conscious of each other.
> 
> The music I listened to for the most of this chapter was Bastille's "Bad Blood-Extended Cut". I find that it really sets the mood for it. I really suggest listening to it. That or just sad/dramatic piano/violin music while reading this story.
> 
> I also really like writing in Levi's POV, so that may become a regular thing, even though it's supposed to be a story about Eren.
> 
> Well, anyways, I'm hoping to start work on the next chapter as soon as I can. This one took two days and an accidental delete to make so I'm hoping to narrow that down to no accidental delete. Hope you enjoyed! Keep letting me know what you guys think, feel free to be brutal if that's your true opinion!


	4. The First Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a proper Eren POV chapter for you lovelies.
> 
> I'm starting to get shit back on track, but since it's now NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), I'm not going to be posting much. I like to take it off of my fanfics so I can work on an original novel for it. This time it's "Alex's Wonderland", the story that I mentioned in my last chapter notes. And I have fully switched my Tumblr to Levi-Fetish. My old one's password has been forgotten and basically yeah.
> 
> So, here you go. I may keep writing it bi-weekly, like I've been trying to do, but no guarantees. Enjoy chapter 4 of To Find Yourself, "The First Time"!

I look right into Levi's eyes and my heart skips a beat. His eyes are different than they have been for the past two days. They're... softer. Gentle. Sincere. There are so many words I can use to describe the expression on his face, but none can accurately describe it. Except for one. And I don't want that thought to come to my mind, because it scares me. I don't want this to be real, but I know that it is. He's looking at me with a look of pure love. I'm not sure if he's aware of it, but that's what it looks like. I avert my eyes from his and realize that because I saw his eyes, I know that my affections are actually the same. He's been my reason to get up for the past few days. I've been wanting to know how he's been, so I actually let Hanji wake me up early. She's been letting me go without training for the last little bit, seeing as how it's Levi who is my trainer, and not her. If I had been a regular trainee, I would have had both of them training me, but Levi requested that I be under his sole training.

 

"Think that you can stop crying long enough to tell me how long I've been out for?" Levi says quietly, ruffling my hair gently. "How many days have you gotten off with waking up late?"

 

I shake my head, unable to speak after being so relieved to hear his voice.

 

Hanji cuts in gently, answering for me. "You've been incapacitated for about four days. He's actually been getting up earlier than everyone and coming down to see you here. He's been out of his freaking mind worried for you and really, I can't blame him. He's barely been sleeping as well."

 

"Oh really now?" Levi drawls. "Hanji, could you please let us be here alone for a little bit? I need to talk to Eren here alone."

 

Hanji nods and ushers the others out of the room, leaving just Levi and I in the silence.

 

"Do you mind moving me over to one side of the bed?" Levi asks, his hand falling away from my hair and back onto the bed. "Trust me on this. Please?"

 

I look at his pleading eyes and find myself giving into that almost desperate look. I carefully pick him up, bridal style, and move him over onto the side of the bed that he had been sleeping in the first night that I got here, laying down on the other side. He closes his eyes and sighs. He looks so calm, and I can't help but lace my fingers with his, causing him to open an eye, smiling at me. If I doubted the love in his eyes before, I don't now. He drags his other hand through my hair lazily, from my bangs on my forehead to the short hairs on the back of my neck. He keeps running his fingers through my hair until I fall asleep.

 

But my thoughts are still haunted, even though I'm there with him.

 

_I'm walking behind Levi through the halls of the barracks, not really listening to him, but only hearing the sound of his voice. It's a soothing sound for me, I have no idea why, but it calms me. I hear a change in the way he speaks that suddenly makes me listen attentively to every single word. My eyes zero in on every single move he makes, keeping my eye out for anything that seems the least bit odd. Without any sort of warning, he reaches for his throat as he falls against the wall. He's tugging on his cravat and shirt collar, trying to keep everything from constricting his breathing. I hear him tell me to go get Hanji and then he collapses fully, completely knocked out. In a panic, I run back to the dining hall, calling out for Hanji, not really knowing what I'm saying in the least. I mention Levi and I'm pretty sure that I let her know that he's passed out, but I don't know for sure. She slaps me, yelling at me to calm down, but I just scream back, saying that I can't, feeling tears welling up in my eyes. She sighs and demands to know where he collapsed. I don't say anything, I just lead her to where he passed out. When we get there I notice that Isabel, Furlan, Mikasa, and Armin were following us as well. The three senior ranking soldiers usher us trainees away. I try to get back towards Levi, but Mikasa holds me back. I start to yell, tears running down my cheeks. I can't help it, I fall to my knees as they lift Levi up from under his arms and take him away. My throat feels like it's about to tear open and my vision is blurred from the tears. Don't take him away! No, don't take him! Please! Let me go to! No! I can't lose him too! I can't lose him! Please-!_

 

I wake up with a start, tears running down my cheeks. Levi blinks awake and looks over at me, immediately becoming concerned. "Hey." he whispers even though we're alone. "Are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?"

 

I gently clutch at Levi, knowing that that if I hold onto him too tight, he might get hurt worse than he is right now. I'm shaking so badly, it's not even funny. Levi lifts my chin up so that I'm looking at him. He runs his fingers through my hair again and then over my jawline, running his thumb over my cheek, wiping away tear.

 

"You can calm down. I'm right here." Levi says, pulling me closer to him. "Deep breaths. Take slow, deep breaths."

 

I do as he instructs me and find that I'm feeling a bit better. Though that may be because he's holding onto me. In his arms I feel safe, like I can do or say anything and it'll be just fine. Levi is able to protect me for now. I'm alright with that.

 

"It wasn't really a nightmare..." I mutter, burying my face into this hair. "More like a terrifying memory."

 

"Was it of... the incident?" Levi asks, his face in the crook of my neck, voice muffled. "Not of your parents, but... you know."

 

"Yeah."

 

"..."

 

I move back and smile at him, feeling a lot better for some reason. "You seem to really like the silence."

 

"I do."

 

For some reason, those two simple words make my breath away. I want to hear those words in a completely different sense. A more sentimental sense. Oh god, what am I? A twelve year old girl? I need to get my brain together. I realize that I'm not feeling like this towards a girl, but a guy. Not like it really bothers me. Not when the only thing I can think about is how close his face is to mine. So damn close...

 

"Hey." Levi's voice snaps me from my trance. "Have you ever been in love before? Do you know what it feels like?"

 

His question catches me by surprise. I wonder why he's asking me that? Is it because... No way. That can't be it.

 

I gulp. "Um, no." I say, feeling my face heat up a bit. "What does it feel like?"

 

Levi's hand touches my cheek again. "Being in love feels like thousands of butterflies in your stomach. And every time you think of that person, or see them, those butterflies start flying everywhere. When that person that you love makes any kind of physical contact with you, it feels like that spot that they touched was touched by electricity, it feels like your skin is electric, on fire, and it wont stop tingling." Levi explains. "Being in love feels like the person of your affections can do anything, and it would be okay. You would still find them perfect. If they betrayed you, it would shatter your heart, and damn, it would feel like it's really breaking into a million pieces, and your chest would actually hurt. Love is finding someone perfect in your eyes, and that's including all their little quirks. You accept their imperfections as them, and find them fully, truly beautiful. Love isn't just liking someone a lot. It's accepting them in the truest way. Meaning all flaws, quirks, imperfections, scratches, scars, all of it."

 

When I don't respond, Levi continues.

 

"Being in true love is not knowing why you love them. You love absolutely everything about them. And you don't. Know. Why."

 

My breath hitches in my throat. What the hell? I can't be in love with this shrimp. He's probably twice my age, and half my height for that matter. He's also twice as strong as me, nicer than anyone else has been to me, well, we'll just forget the time when we first met. I can overlook him kicking me in the face. Wait, what? Did I just... say that it was okay that he kicked me in the face? And really mean it?

 

_"Being in love feels like the person of your affections can do anything, and it would be okay."_

 

OH HELL NO. I refuse to admit that I'm in love. Wait, by thinking that, didn't I just admit that I am in love? And that must have just confirmed it. I inwardly sigh. I am a complete idiot. I should have realized that I love him when I was admiring his body the first night here. Though that was probably admiring a nice body. I know one when I see one.

 

"Um, Levi..." I say, knowing that what I'm about to say may just make or break my entire time here in the Titans. "I, uh, I've got something to say."

 

Levi smirks, probably knowing what words are about to pour out of my mouth without me wanting them to, and, at the same time, dying for them to.

 

"I-"

 

And the door bursts open, Hanji yelling that there's a fire in the northern wing. Our wing.


	5. Lost for Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, my spiel about NaNoWriMo is going untold. I'm not participating because I forget how to enter it. And honestly, this fic is really, really damn important to me, so I'm insistent on writing it. I honestly get home from school, whip out my laptop, go downstairs and start writing it. Thank you guys for the kudos and the few comments. I know there isn't much, but I adore all of you who bother to read it, and I'm not expecting much, seeing as how I'm a new writer on here and my fic is pretty new as well. It's not really popular, but this is the most popular story I've ever written.
> 
> HOLY DAMN I AM BRAVE FOR WRITING THIS SEEING AS HOW MY BOYFRIEND IS READING IT. SMUT WARNING ALL!!! 
> 
> P.S. I got both volumes of "No Regrets" at long last! I have to gift this chapter to my great friend, and that's not just because she bought me the second, and final, volume, Victoria. I really wish you were in this fandom so you could read this little note for you~!

I sit straight up in the bed, the words I was about to say, lost to the sound of people running past our door, and the smell of smoke that had finally seeped into our room now that Hanji opened the door. I look over to Levi. His face is paler than I've ever seen it, and his eyes are as wide as mine, if that's any idea on how damn surprised he is. Hanji starts blabbering incomprehensibly, all the while getting me up, and making me help her get Levi up and out one of the back exits that isn't as smokey. What Hanji says is about half-way there, Levi starts to cough, nearly collapsing. I pick him up on my back, carrying him out, Hanji running along beside me, holding onto his medication so that he doesn't get into any worse condition than we can prevent. When we make it outside to the others, Mikasa is the first one to run up to us, followed by Armin, Furlan, and Isabel, all of them soot-covered.

 

"What happened?" Mikasa asks, doing a quick and obvious visual check up on me. "Are you three alright? Is the Corporal alright?"

 

"Le-" a cough. "-vi."

 

We all look at him. I lay him down on mine and Hanji's coats so he can relax a bit more. "Pardon?" Mikasa asks, tilting her head, obviously confused as to what's going on at the moment.

 

"Please, just-" Levi is cut off by another coughing fit. I kneel down beside him, Armin giving me his coat so Levi could use it as a blanket. "-Just call me Levi. The title... It brings up... bad memories."

 

Levi's voice fades a bit as he passes out. Whether from exhaustion or smoke inhalation or what-the-hell-ever, I don't know nor really care at this moment. I'm just worried, so, not thinking like I usually do, I lay down beside him, wrapping my arms around him to do my best to keep him warm in the colder, wet weather that we're having at this very moment. I hear Hanji mutter to someone about us, but I don't really care. I also hear someone walk over to us and start talking to Hanji about the fire and how much it's burned. Apparently it's been put out, but there is extensive damage.

 

I sit up. "Shouldn't Levi be in this conversation? Isn't he the leader of sorts around here?" I ask accusingly. "This is a rather important matter."

 

"Trust me, he's listening. He's just too exhausted to talk." Hanji says, smirking. "Isn't that right Levi? You are awake, right?"

 

Levi nods slightly, causing me to nearly jump out of my skin. I honestly thought that he was asleep. His breathing is almost too slow for him to be awake, it's making me a bit nervous. He needs to be warmed up, fast. I touch his hand with my own and feel it freezing cold, and that's tucked under the coat-blanket. I lift his shirt a bit, just enough so I can touch his stomach to see if it's cold as well, and  lone behold, it's just as cold as his hand. I lay back down beside him, under the jacket, wrapping my arms around him. I get a couple of gasps, but I see Hanji's knowing look. She knows that I'm doing my best to give him my body heat to prevent him from getting hypothermia or pneumonia. We can't let him get any more sick than he already is. That has a high possibility of killing him, and as I stated previously, I do NOT want that happening. I nuzzle into the crook of his neck, reveling in his surprisingly sweet scent. I breathe in deeply from my nose. I don't recognize the smell, but that may be because I've never smelled him before this, because that would have just been weird. Hell, it still is kinda, but I doubt that he would mind much, after the conversation that we had just a short while ago. And if he does mind, then he has to put up with it because I'm not letting go of him. I want to fall asleep, but I can't. I have to be the one to carry him back to his room, or whatever room he's sleeping in.

 

Hanji smiles gently at us. I hear her gently ask Mikasa if she could lend us her jacket. Mikasa must have agreed because the next thing I feel is another jacket being lain down on top of us. I don't want to, but I end up drifting off to sleep. Luckily, I'm tired enough that I don't dream. I'm woken a few hours later it seems by an impatient Levi.

 

"Oi, shitty brat." He says, eyes back to the same steely coldness that they had when we first met. "Are you getting up? I want to get back inside. It's fucking freezing out here."

 

I blink a few times, trying to comprehend what just happened. Did he go from somebody who looked like they cared, to this... this, cold-hearted thing? How could somebody go through such a drastic change in so little time? I am completely unable to compute. I feel something switch inside me. I get up, brushing myself off. If this is how he want's it to be then, alright. I'll play your little game. And trust me when I say that I'll get you back the moment I can...

 

"Sorry Sir!" I say, standing up straight, seemingly having no memory of what happened previously. "Um, is everything alright after the fire? I mean, is..." I'm tempted to say 'our' , but that may be a death wish currently. "... is your room undamaged my the fire?"

 

Levi, still wearing his pajamas, sighs while rubbing his temples. He winces at the pain from where the needles and tubes were hooked up to his arms, and really I don't blame him. It must hurt, moving this much after his body taking a shock that big. Hell, I probably wouldn't be able to walk for a few days after getting the needles taken out, let alone this soon after just waking up. "It was a small hearth fire. A fireplace in one of the other rooms down the hall accidentally caught fire to a small fireside rug. This is why I tell people not to but carpet in front of their fireplaces. Idiots never listen. Maybe they'll finally learn though. It didn't reach my room though, no. It's fine." Levi turns around and begins to walk towards the doorway. I can't help myself. I look at his ass.  _It certainly is fine,_  I think, a small smirk appearing on my face. God what is wrong with me? I really need to focus on keeping my cool around Levi, or else I won't be able to get my revenge on him later.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The oil lamps in our, Levi's, room, casting an orange-yellow tinge to the room. Levi turned the lamps on earlier so that he could read. He said that I was allowed to turn the lamp on my side off if I wanted or needed to, so I could sleep. He doesn't want us to train tomorrow. Not just yet. He isn't quite healthy enough to train at the moment, but soon. I watch him mark his page, close his book and put it down. Now's my time. Time to get my revenge on him for doing that to my brain. No, not my brain. For doing that to my  _heart._ He is going to pay for that. And the payback is going to remind him exactly what the hell he did to me.

 

I reach over and turn my oil lamp off. Levi stops and looks at me in the half-light, his eyes still cold. I then reach over and grab his cheeks in both of my hands, kissing him before he has any idea what's happening. I let go of his face and stop kissing him, reveling in the confused expression on his face. He's staring at me, tilting his head. There isn't any coldness left in his eyes, just pure, utter confusion. Perfect. It wasn't really the best of plans, seeing as how I might get killed in my sleep tonight, but I certainly enjoyed it. I think I played it out perfectly. Inside, I'm giddy with happiness. Not just because I got my revenge, but also because I managed to kiss him without batting an eyelash. The realization of what I did finally sinks into Levi and he snaps out of his trance, his eyes focusing back on me again. Oh hell.

 

What I get was definitely  _not_ what I was expecting. I was expecting a knife to be in my eye, or stomach, or anywhere. What I wasn't expecting was for him to do the exact same thing that I did to him. I  **was not expecting him to kiss me**. Let alone  ** _french_** **_kiss_**  me. It takes me a second to realize what's going on, but when it does finally sink in, I just widen my eyes and go with it. Not like I'm complaining or anything. Definitely... not complaining. Not when his tongue traces the roof of my mouth, getting a slight moan to escape my lips. I feel his mouth twist into some sort of sadistic smirk, pressing into my mouth with more force. If I had not already been laying down, I think I would have fallen. Instead, the arm that was holding me up into a sort of half sitting position gives out, causing me to land on my back, Levi leaning over me, keeping the kiss strong. My hand pointlessly tries to grab at his back, futilely attempting to get him off of me. Not like I want him to stop anyways. It's my body moving on its own. Levi moves over more, straddling my hips. He breaks the kiss, a string of saliva still connecting our mouths. We're both panting, and there's a lusting look in Levi's eyes. This may have been a stupid idea. I don't think that I'm ready for sex yet. Levi starts taking his shirt off. Okay, maybe I am ready. I have no idea. I just know that I really want his damn body right now and that I'm willing to do anything to get it. I let out a gasp as Levi begins taking my shirt off, followed by my pants. Once I'm naked, he leans into my neck and starts to kiss down my body. Neck, chest, stomach, hips... He stops before taking my length into his mouth. I instinctively thrust up into his mouth. Levi doesn't choke though, he presses my hips back down into the bed and swallows around me. Oh  _God._  What the hell? Where did he learn that? On the other hand, never mind. I don't want to know. Levi tongues around the head of my cock and sucks hard. My back arches as I come into his mouth. Through half-closed eyes I watch him get up and grab a cloth to clean up whatever he didn't get. He gets his shirt on and just walks into the en-suite, only to return with the cloth warm and damp. He moves all the fabric away from me and then starts to wipe my body down. He rolls me over and then wipes my back. I sit up, going to grab my clothes, but I'm a few seconds too late. Levi has my pajamas and now they're in the laundry basket, which he refuses to let me touch. I lay back down in the bed, completely naked. Much to my surprise, Levi tucks me back in and kisses my forehead gently.

 

"Why did you tempt me like that?" He asks in a whisper.

 

I'm only able to shrug as he turns off his oil lamp and curls into me. His back is warm and the pajama shirt he's wearing is soft. I can't hear him humming, but I can feel it. A low vibrating in his back, lulling me to sleep.

 

"Bonnes rêves, mon cher." Are the last words I hear before drifting into a dreamless sleep.

 

* * *

 

  _Levi POV_

 

I have no way to justify what I just did and that makes me mad. I really have very conflicting emotions right now. I want to do that again but at the same time I want to beat the shit out of that kid for letting me do that while I also want to cuddle the little fucker until his eyes pop out of his head. So you see how this is a major problem for me? If I can't decide what I'm going to do within the next thirty seconds, I'll just walk out of the room. I roll over to face Eren, and notice that he's crying in his sleep. That immediately makes me decide on the third, but I have to wake him up, so it's more like its own option.

 

"Oi, Eren." I say, gently shaking his shoulder and tapping his face. "Eren, wake up. I know you're tired but I need you to wake up."

 

I watch with concern as he blinks awake. He touches his face and tries to wipe away the tears, but I stop him before he can. Looking me in the eye, his eyes start to well up with more tears. He chokes back a sob and I shake my head. "No, don't worry. You're allowed to cry here. You'll always be allowed to cry here."

 

I'm surprised when he turns around and sits up on the edge of the bed. I, myself, sit up a bit in bed. What the hell is he doing? He gets up and grabs his uniform, putting it on. He puts on the straps and then the belt, securing it all properly. He's gotten good at that in the few days that I've been asleep. Eren. What a damn mystery he is. I can't revel in that fact right now. Not when he's acting this oddly. He starts towards the door, getting far enough to grab the handle.

 

"Eren, stop."

 

He turns and looks at me, his eyes blank. I've seen that expression before. I've  _worn_ that expression before. That expression is not a good one. It's an expression that is calling, screaming, for help, but it's too far gone to actually be able to receive the help it needs from just anybody. He's not physically tired, he's emotionally tired. He wants to escape from feeling anything, and there's only one way to do that.

 

And I'm a second too late to stop him from going out the door.

 

He's gone. And I can't get up. I can't go and stop him. I can't stop him from going and taking drastic measures. I feel a tear run down my cheek and hear his footsteps run down the hall, away from my room. My legs are too weak to stand properly for a long amount of time. I can't run after him. I let out a sob, hating that I want to stop doing exactly what I said was perfectly fine. I'm such a damn  _hypocrite_. I can't stand the fact that I'm too weak to stop the damn brat that I've become attached to in such a short period of time. I hear Hanji knocking frantically at my door, asking if I was alright. I know that she can't see me, but I shake my head anyways. My lack of verbal response gets her to open the door to see me in this wrecked state.

 

"Levi, what happened?" she demands. "Eren was running down the hall, completely set on doing something that nobody knows about. His eyes were - oh  _god._ Levi, please tell me that he's not going to do..." she trails off, clearly afraid to say it, even though we both know exactly what he's going to do.

 

"Lock the weapons room. Hanji, you know the short cuts. Do it now. Pay no attention to me. I'll be fine." I say, my voice cracking. "Just do it. Now!"

 

I see Hanji flinch at my harsh order. "I'll also get Furlan to watch over anything else that could possibly harm him. We'll have look outs for him all over. We can't let him..." she mutters, almost to herself. She closes the door behind her and I collapse back onto the bed.

 

I'm losing someone else, and I can't let that happen. I'm not sure if it's an hour or a few minutes later, but Hanji bursts into the room in a panic.

 

"What's the situation right now?" I ask weakly.

 

"Levi," She starts, her eyes brimming with tears. "we don't know if he's alive or not."

 

With her words, my entire world shatters into pain. And for the first time ever, I'm completely lost for words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LEVI BABY NO.
> 
> AND WHY EREN!? WHY!?
> 
> We'll all find out in the next chapter. It's going to be fully Levi POV. No Eren.


	6. I Need You, Please Don't Go...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is where it gets kinda trigger-y. I'm writing this chapter because I feel like a lot of people will be able to relate to it, including myself. I never attempted suicide, but I have had the thoughts previously. I'm really opening up to you guys on here, and I think that I'm going to be able to find that it really helps me to kinda explain myself to you guys.
> 
> Um, to the people that I know who are reading this, I don't want any of you to worry. You know that I'm going through some harsh times, and I'm never really looking for a solution. I'm only looking for a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to listen. I'm not going to deny that these thoughts do come to me in the dark solitude of the night. But I want you all to know that they are not going to become actions. I refuse to do that again. I will never harm myself again.
> 
> So anyways, back to what I was saying before. This is a very, very emotional and triggering chapter. I would honestly not be surprised if many of you actually did not read this chapter. It's all about Levi's past, his missing memories, and Eren's probable thoughts. Many of which, have been my own in the past. And many of Levi's memories that remain intact, are things that I'm either currently experiencing, or have previously experienced. Please know that a lot of this is exaggerated for me, but maybe not for you. And I hope that by reading this you can understand that things do get better.
> 
> Now, please enjoy chapter six of To Find Yourself, and by doing so, that it could help you do the same.

My mind is blank. Hanji's words are now muffled and distant. She does her best to make me stand, but my legs just refuse to budge. They don't know... if he's alive? What did Eren do? No, I know what he did. The question is,  _how_ did he do it? I want to know, but at the same time, I don't. I just want to see his face, and feel his heartbeat. I need to know if Eren is alive. He has to be. He can't die. He just can't.

 

"Levi!" Hanji yells at me, her voice severe enough to snap me out of it. "Get a hold of yourself. You need to get into uniform. You need your proper rank visible on you when you next see him because there will be everyone else there. They all know who you are, but the nurses hold a rank that almost equals yours, and they only let you get away with certain things when your rank is obvious."

 

I shake my head. "No. I'm wearing nothing special." I say, my voice steady. "I refuse to wear my military uniform. I swore that I would only ever wear that thing again when I killed that bastardized Commander. I'm wearing our uniform. The one with the Wings Of Freedom on them, because if he is gone, then I know that he has those wings strongly implanted in his back. And if he isn't gone, then he will continue to see our Wings and know that we are still here. He will become the bearer of those Wings for me. In death or life. He needs those wings more than any of us. We have trained and earned our Wings; while he, he has gone and grown his own. I do not deserve to be the one who bears these Wings for my life and on. I will make sure that he will always remember our Wings, and that he is the true owner of the Wings Of Freedom. Hanji, tell me where he is and I'll be there."

 

"But Corporal, your legs aren't strong enough to walk that far yet." Hanji says, using one of the terms that she knows bugs me, but right now I don't care. "I'll wait outside the door while you change. I'm walking with you to him. You're going to need me to help with this. I know that I'm going to have to catch you when you see him."

 

She'll need to catch me when I see him? Is he really in that bad of shape right now? I deep breath and prepare myself for the emotional hammering that I'm about to endure. Slowly I get out of bed, walk over to the closet and put my uniform on. I have to be the one in control of my emotions right now. I cannot let that shitty brat, who I've grown to care so much about, be the one to break me. Eren... Please be alive. You can't leave me here alone. Please don't be dead...

 

I open the door to see Hanji standing there at attention. Without a word she nods at me and then beings to walk to where Eren is. My heart is beating so loudly in my chest that I'm surprised Hanji can't hear it. I hear the rush of blood in my ears after each pump. To think that the brats heart might not be beating like this sends a chill through me. He was still young, he had a whole life ahead of him no matter where he went. I feel my chest constrict at the thought that he actually chose to stay with us, with me. He could have gone anywhere and found a good life awaiting him. The capital would have been fine for him. He could have lived a full, wealthy life there. But no. He wanted to come here and seek out our help even though he could die at any time from any given cause. We have had cases of suicide in our trainees before, but those trainees were always far more stressed than the average ones for some reason. I bet that Eren is like them. He lost his whole family less than a week ago and now he's being expected to adjust to a whole new lifestyle. I probably should ease up on those rules. You shouldn't have to get to know the schedule in a day, let alone find people to trust in a week. Only an idiot would trust that easily. But, when I think that way, I realize that that would mean Eren is an idiot for trusting me that fast. He is though, just for trusting me in general. I admit that I really should not be trusted at all. I'm selfish, arrogant and rude. I use and I abuse. I'm a liar and a cheat. I learned how to do that so long ago that it's second nature now. I hate myself for all those reasons, but somehow, somebody still loved me because I'm me. I smile a bit. It's a sad smile, but it's there. I need to get my shit in order. By that, I mean I need to stop doing those things that I hate myself for. I'm a shitty person, yet I'm loved. I don't really understand it, but I think that I may be able to, if only for my brat.

 

"Levi, we're here." Hanji stops outside the door to one of the rooms that are partially demolished. I only know that it's partially demolished because of the door. It's rotting and nearly falling off it's hinges. "Please promise me that you're not going to over react."

 

"Hanji, I won't react much." I say calmly, clearly surprising her. "I've gotten my shit together and I can face this."

 

"A-alright" She stutters, pushing the door open.

 

What I see before me is in total chaos. People are running around the room frantically, handing off bandages or passing messages to one another. I see Eren's friend and sister at the edge of the room. The girl, I think her name is Mikasa, is crying while the boy - Armin? - is trying to comfort her, tears streaming down his own face. I clear my throat and the entire room stops and stares at me. I walk towards the largest bunch of people, assuming that Eren is there in the middle. They move aside to let me through. My assumption proved right, I look down on the broken body of the brat that I care so much about. I kneel down at his head, raising it and putting it onto my lap.

 

I lean down so my face is level with his ear. "Eren, please." I whisper. "Please don't go. I need you. Without you I won't be able to change my ways. I won't be able to remove the mask that I've been wearing for so long." A tear runs down my cheek and lands on his cheek as I lift my head slightly. "Eren, I need you. Please don't go."

 

I wipe my eyes and sit up straight again. A few moments pass by, then he coughs a few times, rolling off my lap. The room suddenly moves again. There's clapping and cheering. Mikasa and - it is Armin, right? - run over to me and hug me, thanking me for doing whatever it is that I did. I wave them off and go to the nurses.

 

"What happened here?" I ask simply, not missing a beat.

 

"He tried to hang himself." I hear a familiar voice answer from behind me.

 

I turn around to see Jean Kirchstien standing there. I can't help but smile. The horse-face came here a few days before Eren's trio. He turned on his father recently and basically didn't want anything to do with the government anymore. "I take it you were the one who found him." I say, tilting my head a bit. "How are you and Marco doing, if you don't mind me asking."

 

"Marco is getting along well now that he has help." Jean answers, his french accent mild now that he's been in England for sixteen years. "But yes, I was the one who found him. I was almost too late, to tell you the truth. He had already passed out and was just hanging there."

 

"Thank you for finding him." I say, bowing my head a bit. "He isn't the one who's indebted to you. It's me. I'm the one who who owes you."

 

He's clearly confused at having me saying that. He stands there awkwardly for a moment before the nurses yell that Eren's awake. I nod at him once more and then go over to Eren. The nurses are putting pillows under his head and giving him water. I stand at the inner ring of the crowd watching them take care of Eren with a small smile on my face.  _He's alive._ I think. He's going to be alright. _  
_

 

* * *

 

 

I sit on the edge of my bed, looking down at Eren's sleeping face. I'm more than relieved right at this moment. His eyelids flutter, then they open. He looks over at me and I smile at him. I reach over and play with his hair a bit, twirling a single piece around my finger. He reaches up and grabs my hand, making me let go of his hair.

 

"What... happened?" He asks feebly, his voice sounding like he tried to swallow sandpaper. "I don't remember anything that happened after... well, anything."

 

My smile becomes sad. "You tried to hang yourself. Jean found you and alerted Hanji and the nurses." I explain, linking our fingers together. "The word got to me and I went to see what the hell happened. I saw you laying there on the floor, and I noticed that you weren't breathing. I went over to you and put your head on my lap. I said a few things and you woke up."

 

A look of realization crosses over his face. "That's right." He says. "I do remember hearing somebody saying that they needed me and asking me not to go."

 

"I knew you heard me." I whisper, tears welling up in my eyes. Eren reaches over with his free hand and wipes the tears away.

 

"I know you said that it's okay to cry here, but please don't cry in front of me. It hurts my heart to see you shed those tears." Eren says, pulling my face to his and kissing me gently.

 

I let him kiss me for however long he wants to. He breaks the kiss and just stares at me dead in the eyes. "Know that things get better, brat." I say tenderly. "Though it would be stupid for you to trust me, this is something that most people over twenty say. So you can trust it."

 

He grins this huge stupid grin at me and links just our pinkies together. "Let's promise each other that we won't do anything stupid anymore, alright?" Hey says.

 

I smirk and nod. "Promise." I say.

 

I'm suddenly jerked into a memory of my childhood.

 

_The younger me is sitting on a rug in the middle of a front room with a beautiful lady. It's the same woman from my dream! Her long hair is tied up in a fancy up-do, making her thin jawline stand out more. She's playing with the younger me, a wooden toy train in her hand, pushing it across the carpet towards a bunch of little wooden dolls that look like they would fit in it. Little me loads the dolls onto the train. Only two dolls remain off of the train, a blonde woman and a raven haired boy. I make the boy hug the woman and say "I'll be back mom. Don't worry. You'll be fine.", I then put the boy on the train, the woman now waving at him. The woman playing with the child me stops and looks up at me, her eyes sad. She holds out her hand and links her pinkie and my pinkie together. "Promise me that you won't leave me." she says. The young me smiles and responds with a simple "Promise.", snapping the two pinkies away from each other. A few moments are silent. Then suddenly... "Maman..." The young me says. "if I ever leave, would you miss me?" The woman just smiles sadly and nods._

 

I jerk back into the present, my stomach lurching. That woman... She's my mother? I remember the dream I had a few days ago, where the man killed her, and nearly throw up. That wasn't a dream. That man wasn't just some random murderer. He was my father. My father killed my mother and then tried to kill me. I have no idea what happened after that though. I know that he didn't succeed because I'm still alive here.

 

"Levi?" Eren asks. "Are you okay?"

 

I look up at him, only now noticing that I had folded in on myself.

 

"I remember now." I say quietly.

 

"What?" Eren says, completely lost.

 

"The reason why I started this band of criminals was to find and kill my father."


End file.
